Bright Lights on a Dark Day

I wrote a short list of things I was grateful for, the day I found out about the Atlanta spa shooting.

1. This sign in Prospect Park that reads: Come celebrate with me that every day something has tried to kill me and has failed.” And our sweatshirt that has my name on it. It felt like a hug. It felt like it was giving me permission to exist exactly as I am, validating my existence in this world and this country, as Chi.

2. I had planned on going on a walk around Prospect Park at night with my friend, Ellice Lee, before all the shootings. In light of Tuesday’s events, we were too scared to walk at night by ourselves, so we walked in the afternoon instead. Collectively grieving, venting, and holding space for each other in person, as Korean American women, felt empowering and so 속시원해 (relieving).

3. FaceTiming my best friend, @amieekim. I felt like I had full space to express the fullest extent of my rage, and I gave her that full space back. She just sat and nodded her head in fierce agreement when I talked. I just made crazy faces and motions of disbelief when she talked.

4. I couldn’t eat today. I had no appetite. But for dinner, we ordered my favorite foods from our favorite Thai restaurant, @nourishthai — shrimp pad thai, chicken red curry, and papaya salad. I am so grateful for their employees today. They take care of me on my hardest days.

5. I talked to my parents a lot today. They called me. I called them. They tried to cheer me up. I could see their concern for me in their eyes. We had some really good conversations about racism and the importance of not staying silent during times like these. I’m grateful we can have these hard conversations, openly and honestly. I’m grateful that they answer my phone calls, no matter what time it is. I’m grateful for the love I’ve received from my beautiful Korean parents.

6. My friend @sharchun invited me to an emergency zoom lament and prayer meeting her church was holding for the Asian American community. I was in awe of all the faces: the ones that looked like mine, and the ones that didn’t. I felt so encouraged when I saw all the non-Asians who showed up. It made me realize: “There are non-Asians who care. We do have allies.” I prayed for the group. I held hope and rage. God made space for it all. It felt powerful. And it was so comforting to just be together with other grievers.

7. All my friends who shared my words, entered into my pain, made space for my rage, and checked in on me.

Chi Jieun Ko, 고지은