March 16, 2021 — Atlanta Spa Shootings
March 17, 2021 — 6:17 AM Eastern Standard Time
I woke up at 6:17 this morning. At 6:19 am, I checked Instagram on my phone, which I usually try not to do, but I was curious how our fun video about our Patreon Family Reunion was being received by our community. The first post I saw was by my friend, Rachel Lee. It read, "Dear my Asian brothers and sisters. Grieve. Don't swallow it. Cry. Don't silence your grief, pain, and anger. Tonight, we grieve and pray. We will organize. But tonight, we grieve and pray.”
I thought she was just saying this in response to all the anti-Asian hate crimes that have been committed in our country recently. I also got a little nervous. I scrolled down. I saw another post that said something similar. Then I saw my friend Susie Gamez’s post. It read, "They were Korean women my mom's age..." That's when I knew something had happened to us.
I read Next Shark’s posts. I read an article that Time published. At 6:28 am, I called my mom three times. At 6:39 am, I called my dad. I called him again at 6:43 am, and he finally answered. He was asleep, and so was my mom. They had already heard about the incident last night while watching CNN.
My dad said, "It was all over CNN last night. I was going to call you in the morning to tell you to be careful and not go on your morning walk. Greg has to go with you. You can't go alone. Ji, you have to be careful. It's dangerous out there. Do we just have to keep getting hit like this? I really can’t understand why this keeps happening to Asian people."
His voice and his face communicated that he was scared, concerned, confused, and upset. There was an urgency, and a very real fear, in the tone of his voice.
My mom's initial response was very typical of my mom. She said, "I know, I heard about it, Ji. What can we do? Just go back to sleep." She was laughing it off, brushing it off. I told her to stop laughing because it was making me feel invalidated. I reminded myself that this is just her way of coping with trauma after trauma throughout her tumultuous life, as a post-Korean war child, and an immigrant in America.
우리가 이렇게 계속 당해야돼?
Do we just have to keep getting hit like this?
이 또한 지나가 리라.
This too shall pass.
어떡해?
What can we do?
조심해야돼!
You have to be careful!
To my mom and dad, I said, "Seriously, don't worry about working anywhere right now. Those people were the same age as you. And the people getting attacked are your age. Be careful, seriously. This is serious."
I woke up this morning, thinking today was going to be normal, with probably an egregious hate crime to be livid about — that's sadly become my normal. But this? I don't even have adequate words or language to describe my feelings right now. This is too damn much. This is so across the damn line that I don't even see my own boundaries anymore.
I have been feeling so many feelings since 6:19 am. I feel enraged. I feel scared. I feel frustrated. I feel sad. I feel gutted. I feel numb. I am so enraged that it took a goddamn massacre of our people for people to finally see us. For people to finally validate that what’s happening to us is an injustice. For people to finally reach out. For people to finally speak up. Some people have still chosen to be silent. The silence I’m hearing from non-Asians is deafening. It’s painful. The silence is communicating far more than you acknowledge or know.
I've been laughing out of utter disbelief. I’ve wept. I’ve been 한숨-ing collective sighs of grief, anguish, and frustration all day. I’m scared for my parents’ safety and well-being. I’m scared for my friends’ safety and well-being. I’m scared for my people’s safety and well-being. I’m scared for my own safety and well-being. This senseless hate crime — all the senseless hate crimes — make me feel like we don't matter. The silence I've been receiving from many of my non-Asian friends makes me feel like I don't matter.
To my Asian brothers and sisters — I am with you. You are not alone. We are not alone. Do not believe for one second that your pain doesn't matter, or your life doesn't matter. You matter. You matter. You matter.
If you have no idea what I'm talking about, then you are contributing to a massive problem we as Asians have been facing for generations and generations. If you’re only speaking up now on behalf of the Asian American community, my question to you is: where have you been? Where have you been all these years? Where were you during kung flu? Where were you during China virus? Where were you last year? Where were you last month? Where were you last week? Where were you yesterday? Where have you been?
If this is you, please show us the respect we deserve, but rarely ask for — take complete ownership for your silence, complacency, performative allyship, “thoughts and prayers,” and blind eye to our suffering, before offering your condolences and togetherness. Search your heart and be really honest with yourself. Uproot the racism in your heart. Put your hands and feet and hearts in our suffering. Grieve with us — not for us. Be angry with us — not for us.
We deserve better.
Non-Asians — Take the time to pray with us. Take the time to lament with us. Make space for us. Do your own research on how hard our communities have been getting hit, both today and in America’s hidden history. Do not try to erase us, or this day, from your memory.
We deserve better.
With Love,
Chi Jieun Ko, 고지은