December 12, 2021: Anti-Asian Racism on the F Train

Earlier this week, on Sunday, December 12, 2021, I witnessed, intervened in, and was a victim of anti-Asian racism, verbal harassment, and verbal assault.

I was boarding the F train at the Jay Street MetroTech stop in Brooklyn going towards Manhattan. I had just missed the previous F train, so I had to wait on the platform for 10 minutes for the next one to show up, so I talked to Greg on the phone while I waited. When the F finally arrived, I got on the train, and while I was still talking to Greg on the phone, I saw and heard an altercation happening at the other end of my train car. An Asian woman — probably in her late twenties / early thirties — was being verbally assaulted by a man and a woman — probably in their late thirties or early forties — at the other end of the train car. The altercation was already happening when I got on the train, so it must've started at the previous stop. I quickly walked across the train car to her, to offer my protection and defense, and to just be a presence of solidarity for her. I abruptly hung up on Greg and said, “Hey, I gotta go.”

The man and the woman were yelling at the Asian woman, "FUCKING STUPID ASS BITCH! WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?! SHUT THE FUCK UP!" They yelled at her repeatedly, from three feet away on the same bench on the train.

There was a man standing at the pole between them and he intervened on her behalf. He told them to stop screaming at her, and when he did, the male aggressor started yelling at the man standing at the pole, screaming literally two inches away from his face saying, "SHUT THE FUCK UP! THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU! I WILL PUNCH YOU IN YOUR FUCKING FACE IF YOU DON'T SHUT THE FUCK UP! I WILL BEAT YOUR ASS! I DARE YOU TO KEEP TALKING! SEE WHAT HAPPENS!" The man holding onto the pole kept saying, "This woman did nothing wrong — leave her alone!"

While these two men were in conflict, I turned to the Asian woman and asked, "Are you okay? What happened?" She didn't answer. She was crying. She looked furious, hurt, and scared. She had turned away from her aggressors and was now just staring straight out in front of her. She seemed to be having a trauma response to what was happening to her — she was stuck in freeze mode. I don't think she could process my questions, so I started looking for solutions to get her out of the situation. I asked her if she wanted to move over and I could sit between her and the people who were screaming at her. I asked her if she wanted to move down the train car to another bench, further away from them. She didn't say anything. She just kept crying and staring ahead. She seemed to be a quieter, more soft-spoken woman. I wonder if she didn't want to get up and move because she hadn't done anything wrong. I wonder if she wasn't able to process anything I was saying to her because she was living her worst nightmare.

I intervened and told her aggressors to stop yelling at her. Then the two aggressors started verbally assaulting me. "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?! THIS IS NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS! YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON HERE! MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS!" I said, "You made it my business when you decided to start yelling at a stranger on the train!" They said, “YOU’RE THE ONE WHO WALKED ALL THE WAY OVER HERE FROM WHERE YOU WERE SITTING! YOU SHOULD’VE JUST STAYED OVER THERE. THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU!” I kept repeating myself, "You made this my business when you decided to make a scene on the train!" And then they said, “YOU'RE ONLY HERE BECAUSE SHE'S ONE OF YOUR KIND. FUCKING BITCH. THAT'S WHY YOU KEEP SEEING YOUR KIND GETTING BLACK EYES IN THE NEWS. MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS!" I was filled with rage.

The male aggressor started yelling at the Asian woman again, "DON'T FUCKING LEAVE YOUR BAG ON THE FUCKING SEAT! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK THIS IS?!" The female aggressor was yelling the same things at her, and then she started asking the stranger (a woman) sitting across from them, "You saw what she did, right?!?" And the stranger just kept egging them on saying, "Yeah, I totally saw that! She left her bag on the seat!" That's when I realized that this entire conflict was about the Asian woman having her purse on the bench.

I looked the Asian woman in the eye and said, "None of this is your fault. You did nothing wrong." To the man standing at the pole, I said, "Thank you for getting involved in this situation and standing up for someone who didn't do anything wrong."

The aggressors fought back and said, "SHE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG?! WHAT SHE DID WAS ILLEGAL! SHE SHOULD GET ARRESTED FOR THAT." I said, "Putting your bag on the bench is not illegal — you're allowed to put your bag on the bench." They said, "LOOK IT UP, BITCH! IT'S AGAINST THE LAW TO PUT YOUR BAG ON THE BENCH! SHUT THE FUCK UP! THIS IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! YOU'RE THE ONE BRINGING THIS UPON YOURSELF!" Then the Asian woman started talking to them and said, "You don't have to be so aggressive! You don't have to keep talking to us!" The man brushed her off and said, "Oh please! Shut the fuck up! You're only talking because she came to your rescue! Shut the fuck up!" He said it in a way that was so invalidating and dehumanizing. The man then looked at me and started saying, "Look at this bitch. This bitch is so fucking ugly. FUCKING UGLY. UGLY. YEAH, UGLY. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU STARING AT, UGLY? YEAH, SHUT THE FUCK UP." To that I said, "I will follow your lead." He said, "NO, YOU WILL FOLLOW YOUR LEAD!" Then he started talking to the man standing at the pole, saying, "YOU'RE A FUCKING F*GGOT. FUCKING F*GGOT. YEAH, FROM A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE, YOU'RE A FUCKING F*GGOT. F*GGOT." And the man standing at the pole was unwavering. He just said, "Ok, I'm a f*ggot.” He just stood there and took it, while this man repeatedly verbally assaulted him.

We went through five stops like this. I didn't even realize the train was moving, or that people were getting on and off the train. I did notice that the only people getting involved in this altercation were me and this man standing at the pole. I did notice that there were other people on the train that were doing nothing. But I honestly didn't have time to think about all the other silent bystanders and witnesses because we were in the middle of a very scary, dangerous situation.

As more people were getting on the train, it seemed as though the aggressors were feeling embarrassed of their childish behavior, so they lowered their voices, raised their masks, but they were still making comments and threats. One of the last things the man said to me was, "Let's fucking see where this bitch gets off. Yeah, let's see where this bitch gets off. We'll see what happens then." This scared the shit out of me.

When I realized that I had no idea where I was getting off, and I was probably getting close to my stop, I checked my phone and realized we were only one stop away from where I needed to get off: Broadway Lafayette. I asked the Asian woman, "Are you getting off soon?" She said yes. When we got to Broadway Lafayette, I reached my hand out at her, looked at her, and said, "Hey, I'm getting off here. Stay safe." She looked back at me and said, "You too."

When I got off the train, I was afraid the aggressors were going to chase after me, as my back was now toward them. I was afraid they were going to push me into the train tracks. I was afraid they were going to chase me down and beat me in the subway station. I was afraid they were going to stalk me, follow me, and beat me in the streets. I was afraid. I pulled my ponytail forward, for fear that they would grab me by my hair and pull me to the ground. As soon as I got off the train, I called Greg, shaking and trembling, running up the stairs to get out of the station as fast as I possibly could, adrenaline pulsing through my entire body. Once I got off the train, my body flooded with repressed rage and fear. I was in SoHo, so Greg immediately got in the car and drove up to SoHo to pick me up.

I absolutely did not have the energy or capacity to engage in this type of altercation. On Saturday, Greg and I drove through the night, in a storm, from Virginia to Brooklyn. On Friday, we took my dad to see his radiation oncologist and lung oncologist. On Thursday we took my dad to see his neuro oncologist. On Wednesday, we drove down from Brooklyn to Virginia. I got involved because I had to. I got involved because I know what it's like to be verbally assaulted for being Asian and have people either watch me in silence or ignore me completely, as if nothing is happening at all. I got involved because I wanted her to know that she was not alone.

I am writing all of this to be a witness to my own trauma. What we experienced yesterday was real. The fear I felt was real. The rage I felt was real. I want to remember and document that this happened — to this woman, to this man, and to me.

I also want people outside of our community to know that anti-Asian hate, racism, and violence is still happening every day, and it is still very real for our community. Don't think that it's gone, just because you're not seeing it on your newsfeed. Anti-Asian racism has been around for generations, and it's not going away anytime soon.

My ask for my own community is to be an active ally for the Asian American community. Educate yourself. Do an internal inventory on the ways that you may have passively or actively contributed to racism against the Asian community. Laughing at racist Asian jokes, consuming media that portrays Asians as racist stereotypes, and mocking Asian accents are just some of the many anti-Asian racist behaviors that are deplorable, and yet, still somewhat socially acceptable. Take ownership and apologize for your behavior to your Asian friends. Read books and listen to podcasts by Asian Americans that discuss the struggles that we face as a community, that we have largely faced in silence, for many, many years. Initiate uncomfortable conversations about race and privilege with your own friends and family. Put in the work to actively be an ally. Consistently check your own implicit biases. And most importantly, don't be a passive bystander.

With love,
Jieun Ko | 고지은